Thursdays taste of bacon, also borderline personality disorder and me.

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Hey. That’s me!

Labels are awful. Clothing labels itch. Sticky labels, well they leave sticky residue…and personality labels? They’re generally negative, and rarely accurate. My label? The moody one as a child. The married one as an adult. Or the….diagnosed one.

My names Beth and I have borderline personality disorder.

That’s a label I don’t like. And for the longest of times was ashamed of. But now? Its a label I own, and accept.

B.P.D is a crippling, horrendous illness. It’s an insidious disease that skews everything. It makes me irrational and paranoid. It leaves me with such a fear of my husband and children leaving, or being taken from me , it wakes me up at night. It convinces me everyone hates me. It exhausts me so staying awake takes all my energy, whilst at the same time some nights I can’t sleep because of the cacophony of noise from my thoughts that rush and swirl in my mind…leaving in their wake a montage of images so bright my inner eye hurts…..I’m on my own mental waltzers and its no fun. I want to get off.

Its not all doom and gloom though! It has its fun quirks, I can taste some words (thursdsay tastes of bacon) and some sounds look good. I love ferociously, I’m loyal.

People need to be !pre aware of and accepting of how mental health illnesses are actual illnesses. If I was writing this about cancer, you would stretch your arms out and hold me And ask how you could help, same with a broken arm, or diabetes. But because its a mental health issue you avert your gaze, presume I’m attention seeking, worry somehow I’ll pass it to you, and avoid the conversation.

Mental health illness is a real horrendous thing and its not contagious.

I’m learning how to not be defined by my B.P.D., it is part of me but not all of me. B..P.D is why I have scarred arms, why I take super strong antidepressants and 2000mg of omega 3. Its why I’ve tried to take my own life. Twice.

But when my illness is being controlled, I’m the loud, loyal, clever, vain, devoted mum and wife you all see.

So, my point? Look around and be aware of who might have an invisible illness. I hope now you can see that it isn’t Always who you expect it to be.

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8 thoughts on “Thursdays taste of bacon, also borderline personality disorder and me.

  1. Beth, you are an inspiration and a pleasure to know, even from this great distance. Thank you for sharing your
    story, and owning your label proudly.

    Only those closest to me know the similar struggles I have faced — continue to face — on a daily basis… and their love, support, and belief in me are instrumental in my ongoing health and triumph.

    You see, I was always the go-to guy… The one whom everyone trusted to turn to when they were down, or facing challenges of their own… and I would simply buck up, put on my happy mask, and get them through.

    It wasn’t until I faced my own inner demons years later that I realized that, in the darkness, it can be nigh impossible to find the right go-to to go to.

    Fortunately, there are those select few in my life whom I CAN trust with all of me… and through their strength, I am learning, as you are, to own it.

    I have been touched deeply by your note, and appreciate you sharing it. I can directly relate with your chosen vernacular and terminology… and ironically, was recently involved in a mental health discussion during which “mental health conditions” were lightly referred to as “diabetes of the brain”.

    Good luck keeping your “diabetes” in check. 😉

    ((HUGS)) always!
    Eric

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  2. Reblogged this on Suicidal Transgirl and commented:
    Beth’s description of the noises when trying to sleep are dead on. I have many nights that the thoughts are louder than Grand Central Station. I too have the irrational fear that everyone hates me. She has summed up BPD pretty well in this piece.

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  3. Like you said it’s invisible so those people who you come across who you may feel don’t understand maybe struggle too. When I got diagnosis with PND my hubby’s words were “don’t know why they’ve put you on tablets, didn’t think you were that bad! Just a bit needy!” My reaction: to close the bedroom door & cry with frustration that even those close can’t always seen the internal battles anyone with any form of mental illness suffer. I will never misuse the words I’m depressed again! Cos the day it becomes a battle just to get out of bed & you want to run & hide from those that are the most important people in your life is when you realise you are feeling low x

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  4. I am so proud of you right now!! You are amazing and your quirks can no longer hold you back! You illness is no longer your dark secret hidden in the shadows, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!!! Xxxxxx

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