Hey. That’s me!
Labels are awful. Clothing labels itch. Sticky labels, well they leave sticky residue…and personality labels? They’re generally negative, and rarely accurate. My label? The moody one as a child. The married one as an adult. Or the….diagnosed one.
My names Beth and I have borderline personality disorder.
That’s a label I don’t like. And for the longest of times was ashamed of. But now? Its a label I own, and accept.
B.P.D is a crippling, horrendous illness. It’s an insidious disease that skews everything. It makes me irrational and paranoid. It leaves me with such a fear of my husband and children leaving, or being taken from me , it wakes me up at night. It convinces me everyone hates me. It exhausts me so staying awake takes all my energy, whilst at the same time some nights I can’t sleep because of the cacophony of noise from my thoughts that rush and swirl in my mind…leaving in their wake a montage of images so bright my inner eye hurts…..I’m on my own mental waltzers and its no fun. I want to get off.
Its not all doom and gloom though! It has its fun quirks, I can taste some words (thursdsay tastes of bacon) and some sounds look good. I love ferociously, I’m loyal.
People need to be !pre aware of and accepting of how mental health illnesses are actual illnesses. If I was writing this about cancer, you would stretch your arms out and hold me And ask how you could help, same with a broken arm, or diabetes. But because its a mental health issue you avert your gaze, presume I’m attention seeking, worry somehow I’ll pass it to you, and avoid the conversation.
Mental health illness is a real horrendous thing and its not contagious.
I’m learning how to not be defined by my B.P.D., it is part of me but not all of me. B..P.D is why I have scarred arms, why I take super strong antidepressants and 2000mg of omega 3. Its why I’ve tried to take my own life. Twice.
But when my illness is being controlled, I’m the loud, loyal, clever, vain, devoted mum and wife you all see.
So, my point? Look around and be aware of who might have an invisible illness. I hope now you can see that it isn’t Always who you expect it to be.